What I Learned in the NICU

The Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) is a sad place to be. It is filled with babies who are too small, too fragile, or too sick to go home with their parents and be cuddled and adored and spoiled. The constant beeping of monitors, the coming and going of doctors and nurses, and the tubing and monitor cords that get tangled around the baby make it anything but a cozy environment, no matter how much the nurses try to help make it one. 

Most of these babies are very premature; the earliest a baby can be born and live is 23 weeks, and many of our NICU neighbors were born at around 28 weeks. They have to be in an incubator, often they aren't able to swallow and so are fed through a tube, and sometimes the parents aren't able to hold them because they are too small or have too many medical attachments. Premies are small, skinny, and odd-looking because they were born before they had the chance to put on fat. My son was considered one of the cutest babies in the NICU because he was chubby and looked like a full-term baby with full cheeks and rolls. 

The babies in the NICU are under constant supervision from loving, intelligent nurses who are determined to get them healthy and get them home. Parents spend tens of thousands of dollars to keep their child there; on average the NICU costs $3000 a day and many infants stay for weeks (one of our NICU neighbors had been there over three months). Doctors and nurses not only take care of medical needs but change the babies' diapers and teach them how to bottle feed, as well as comfort and support the parents. So much money, time, and effort goes into making sure that 23-week premie grows, heals, and goes home.

So why is it that a fetus inside the womb at 23 weeks is considered "a blob of cells", "an inconvenience", or "not really alive"? By the end of the fourth week of gestation that little human has a face and a heartbeat even though it is only 1/4 of an inch long! The baby has a brain by the end of the second month, and is fully formed but tiny by the end of the third month (1). Furthermore, that "blob of cells" has a gender, hair color, eye color, nose shape, foot size, and all those other genetic traits already decided in the DNA from day one, when it is no more than a fertilized oocyte dividing into two, then four, then eight cells. Even when the baby is literally a ball of cells it still is the beginnings of a human being, what will become a little boy or girl with blue eyes and a tiny nose.

Abortion takes that potential and snuffs it out before it has a chance to be realized. Whatever that child might have been is gone. God let that body begin to form so one of His spirit children would have a home to experience this life in, and it is not up to us to decide who gets to come and who doesn't.

I understand that many people believe that abortion is a woman's choice because it is her body and the fetus is an unwelcome guest. Think of it this way (inspired by a meme I recently saw on the internet): When you drive a car, you need it to get where you're going. You are not a part of the car, and yet you cannot get out of the car until you reach your destination. Likewise, that fetus is in the woman's body, but is not a part of the woman's body. It cannot leave the uterus until it is fully developed, or gets to where it needs to go. Just as you are separate from the car, so is the baby separate from the mother's body. Unlike you and the car, the baby did not choose to be there. He/she depends on the mother to keep them safe because they don't have a choice in the matter.

In 2011, over 1 million abortions were performed in the U.S. (2). (The CDC has a different number, but since reporting abortion statistics is optional, I'm going with a different source [3].) Many people believe that abortion should be legal in the case of rape, incest, or danger to the mother's heath, but those situations are much rarer than they are made to seem. Only 1% of abortions are from rape or incest (4), whereas the "three most common reasons—each cited by three-fourths of patients—were concern for or responsibility to other individuals; the inability to afford a child; and the belief that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents (3)." As for concern for the health of the mother, I believe an emergency C-section would work just as well as an abortion, and then the baby at least has a chance to live instead of being killed before it got a chance.

Abortion is one issue where I stand strongly on one side and am not swayed by other arguments. I understand that I do not understand all situations, but I do know that every child of God deserves the chance to live. If they are not meant to survive, then that's the Lord's decision, not ours. 

Pregnancy is hard. Childbirth is hard. Raising a child is hard. Giving a child up for adoption is hard. Miscarrying or having a baby die shortly after birth is hard. Paying NICU bills is hard. Dealing with the shame of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy is hard. Changing your life to accommodate a surprise pregnancy is hard. The thing is, the best things in life are hard. Abortion is the easy way out, even if the process of deciding and having the procedure is not easy. 

I went through crazy blood sugar levels, worrying about a potential heart surgery for my baby, having a giant needle stuck in my spine before having my abdomen cut open, seeing my baby for the first time with an I.V. in his head instead of a cute hat on it, living in Salt Lake and staying in the NICU for most of the day for four weeks, having a huge ugly scar which has totally ruined my sex drive, and having over $10,000 in medical bills to have our son. I look at him sometimes and say, "You are the most expensive thing in my life," but I say it with a smile. In the grand scheme of things, can you really put a price on a child? Can you decide the worth of that soul inside your womb, or whether it gets to live or not? It doesn't matter what you want, how you feel or whether you have the money. That baby is depending on you to give him/her the chance to live.

"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (5). That means every soul--yours, mine, and that four-week-old embryo with the faintest little heartbeat.

1. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases_conditions/hic_Am_I_Pregnant/hic-fetal-development-stages-of-growth

2. https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/induced-abortion-united-states

3. https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/abortion-reporting-requirements

4. http://www.abortionno.org/abortion-facts/

5. Doctrine and Covenants 18:10

We the People

I had hoped that the battle raging on social media would end when the election finished. Little did I know it was just the beginning.

My decision of who to vote for was one of the hardest decisions I've faced in a very long time. Both of the main candidates were deplorable, awful people and my moral center just couldn't handle having to vote for them. I liked the look of the third party candidates more, but I worried I would be throwing away my vote if I voted for them. The weeks leading up to the election were full of flip-flopping from one candidate to another until I decided what was the most important thing to me, and I voted accordingly.

I know of a woman who could not bring herself to vote for Trump because of her bad experiences with misogynistic men in her past, so she voted for Clinton despite not trusting her.

I know of another woman who loved Hillary and voted for her wholeheartedly.

I know of a woman who prayed about the decision, and felt prompted to vote for Trump.

I know a woman who despised both candidates and supported Evan McMullen through the whole last months of the election.

As for me, I decided to weigh my decision on the supreme court: Which political party better fits with my opinions and beliefs? I decided that, despite liking McMullen best, I would vote for Trump because he was the Republican candidate, and so would appoint Republican justices, who would rule in favor of decisions closer to what I believe.

I'd come to grips with my decision, felt good about it even, as the protests and #notmypresident and the constant barrage of anti-Trump articles filled my Facebook newsfeed. Then, I saw this on my feed because it was liked by one of my friends:



I know it wasn't meant for me personally, but it hurt me. All the other "people who voted for Trump are stupid" articles hadn't affected me at all, but this did. What I saw was blatant, unapologetic judgement on me as a person because of who I voted for. I must be a racist, I must hate handicapped people, I must be sexist and a bully if I voted for Donald Trump. Nevermind that I am a woman, that my all-time favorite job was working with handicapped adults, that I've never seen myself as better than anyone else because of skin color, and that I've worked my whole life to be kind to everyone. I must be awful because I voted for Trump.

This battle between the political parties needs to stop. I think Hillary is an evil woman, and yet I do not think less of anyone who voted for her. I think Trump is a tactless, horrible person, too, but a decision had to be made and I made it as best I could. We need to understand that each side had to concede something to be able to vote at all in this election. There was no "lesser of two evils"; it was just a matter of which evil, in your opinion, would do the most good in office. We do not need to attack those who voted differently from us. Everyone has different backgrounds, different experiences and different priorities which affected their vote. We cannot judge a person's vote because we do not know what motivated them to vote that way.

We are all children of God. We all are endowed with the same gift of agency, which includes the ability to choose who we vote for. Maybe it would have been easier to sit this election out, to call all the options bad and screw this, I'm not voting. But we didn't; we tried to be good citizens by participating in the decision that will affect the next four years of our nation. No one should be labeled as a bad person for doing that. Good for you for voting, no matter who you voted for.

If we are going to make sure that this nation is a good place to live in for the next four years, we need to start by loving each other. Clinton and Trump supporters must work together for this nation to run. The election is over, and I don't believe anyone is truly happy with the results, but now it's time to move forward.

The honest truth is that Trump doesn't determine our happiness, the quality of our friendships, or our degree of political participation: We do. It is still up to us, and with a touch more kindness than we have been having since the election, the world will improve, regardless of who our president is or what he does while in office. There are more of us than there is of him. We the people have the power to make this nation better.

The Most Important Things

This week has been an important week. Earth-shattering, life-changing, monumental in importance.

My son was born.

There was also a presidential election that seemed to shake the country and the world. Since that election both sides have still been battling. Attempts have been made to do everything from abolish the electoral college to ask the electors to vote contrary to their original commitments. There have been peaceful protests and full-out riots by both the disappointed Democrats and the celebrating Republicans. The news actually has something new and interesting every time you turn it on or log into Yahoo.

But that's small potatoes next to my baby.

We were not expecting baby Hyrum until the end of the month, but I went into because he didn't seem to be kicking as much as usual. A fetal nonstress test showed the baby inside me was less reactive than usual, and taking in other health factors they decided he needed to come today. I was taken by helicopter to a hospital in Salt Lake City, where it didn't take too long to get me prepped and into the O.R. for an emergency C-section.

I was awake for the operation, though completely numbed from the chest down. My husband was able to watch them pull our son from my abdomen, but the curtain he was looking over blocked my view of the baby (though I know it was overall a good thing, because Hunter says there was a lot of blood). After they stitched and stapled me up I was brought to a private room to recover. Our mothers stayed for an hour or so, but by then it was past midnight and the baby was still being treated in the Newborn ICU so we couldn't go see him. Hunter and I waited in the recovery room, til finally at 2 am we got word that the NICU was reopened and we could see our son on our way to my postpartum recovery room where I would spend the next four days.

The NICU is not that large, but the wonderful nurses wheeled my hospital bed in between the incubators until we reached where my little Hyrum lay. He was all wrapped up in a blanket, oxygen in his nose, a feeding tube down his throat and an I.V. in his scalp. It broke my heart to not be able to hold him, but reached out and touched his hand as Hunter placed a hand on his chest and whispered our love in his ears. It was only a few minutes, then I was whisked away to be seen by a nurse and given pain pills before we both tried to sleep. 

Once I got feeling back to my legs I was able to get in a wheelchair and make a trip to the NICU again. Hunter had already spent multiple hours watching over our son, but I wasn't able to move fully until the next afternoon. My wheelchair sat lower than his incubator, so I reached my hand up and grabbed his hand again, or gently stroked his dark hair. I was able to stay about half an hour before my pain and exhaustion brought me back to my room and into bed.

The next three days were the same, but with increasing strength and less wheelchair use. There was a taller chair the nurse would pull up by Hyrum so I could see him and place my hand on his chest. We couldn't hold him until the evening of the second day because of a central line in his umbilical cord that they were worried about. After that first time holding him, we held him as much as we could.

Finally, on the day I was discharged from the hospital, they moved Hyrum from the first high-intensity room to a quieter room. His lungs and pancreas were improving, and as they did more and more tests it looked less and less like there was actually an issue with his heart. They told us that he should be in the NICU only between one and two weeks, and every single nurse told us how cute our son is.

This week has seemed like the end of the world. Trump was elected president, Hillary Clinton supporters took to the streets, and the entire country seemed in uproar. In the midst of all that, my husband and I sat in a hospital room, having just left our baby in the NICU so I could sleep because i was still recovering from major surgery. He held me as I cried, mourning the fact that I could only hold my baby when the nurses let me, and when he cried it was a nurse who made him feel better and not me, his mommy. We have watched our four-day-old son have his heel pricked every six hours, have had to stop him as he found his oxygen tube and tried to pull it away from his face with his tiny hands, and have left the room as they replaced yet another tube or took another test.

The future of our country is important. Who is president is important and will affect me. The relationship between the Democrats and Republicans is also important. But what is most important is not in Washington, D.C. for me. I could care less who was elected and whether the rioters tear each other apart right now because I have a family to care for. I have a son who, while he is not fighting for his life, he is working harder than most babies to learn how to live and breathe on his own. I am learning how to be a mother at my sons bedside instead of with him in my arms. I am pumping instead of breastfeeding. My husband is working from the hospital, supporting me and our son while still trying to make money to pay for our NICU bills. These are my realities, much more real and much more important than any election. This is the beginning of my family, and while it is hard I can see the amazing blessings that come every single day. And more than anything, I have discovered that family is indeed the most important thing in life. My son, being here for him even though he cannot even focus his eyes on my face yet, that is the most important thing.

I hope we all can see that there are more important things than this election. I hope it is smaller than a baby in the NICU, but I also pray you see it. Date night with your spouse, a pizza party with your friends, a sibling who is having a really hard day--all those things trump Trump and Hillary and politics and riots and anything else. Our relationships are the things that will bring us joy forever, and they are the things that mean the most today, if we are willing to give them the proper amount of attention.

What Now?

Well, we survived it: The craziest election in American history. When I woke up this morning my house, my husband and my baby were still mine, my driver's  license was still valid and the nation hadn't yet spontaneously combusted. I'd call that a good beginning to any Wednesday, much less the one after a very hotly contested and extremely controversial election.

Congratulations Mr. Trump; you did what no one I talked to believed you would. Now we hope that you will use your office to improve and bless the nation rather than to use it for your own gain.

But really, what power do we have over that? What Trump decides to do in office has nothing to do with what we decide to do while he his in office. The reason we have three branches of government is to ensure that the President can't push the "self-destruct" button on the nation during his four-year tenure. So what really makes the difference?

We do.

It's true that the President of the United States has power to veto laws, write executive orders and be the face of our nation to the world. But who really decides what kind of land we are living in?

We do.

The hate, mud-slinging, dirt-digging, blowing everything out of proportion, and constant fighting has been going on long enough. This election has left everyone frustrated, sad, and covered  in muck. The time has now come to stand up, clean ourselves off, and to make our nation exactly what we wanted to make it when we cast our ballot. The truth is, though, that every day we make much more of a difference than we did on election day.

People voted for Evan McMullen to support religious freedom. We can support religious freedom every day by helping Muslim refugees, being kind to Mormon or Jehovah's Witness missionaries we meet on the street, and living our religious beliefs in such a way that we bless those around us.

People voted for Hillary Clinton to support the rights of the LGBT community. We can support the LGBT community every day by being kind to everyone before we know anything about their sexual orientation, by using kind words and avoiding slurs, and by remembering that everyone is a child of God.

People voted for Donald Trump to feel that they have a voice in government again. We can express our voice every day by obeying the law and supporting law enforcement, by keeping up to date on the issues in the nation and the world, and by finding ways to be active in the community, such as by volunteering at a shelter or sending out hygiene kits to countries in need.

Neither candidate was ideal. I talked with so many people who just couldn't decide who to vote for, because no matter who took the White House there would be problems, internal moral battles for the voters, and the external battles for everything else. We all voted for someone that either we or our friends think is evil. That does not make us or our friends evil. The only time there is one right answer in an election is when it is Jesus here to reign on earth, and that isn't happening for a while. We can feel so strongly that our candidate is the only right choice, but the truth is that the other side can feel the same way, too. There are pros and cons to every choice, and so we must not feel that those who did not vote our same way are stupid, hateful, or as evil as the person they voted for. They had their reasons, as did you. They may not have liked it, but they weighed their options and did what they felt was best, exercising their right to have some sort of say, no matter how small.

Differences in opinion are essential to having a productive community. The ideal situation is the two opposing ideas come together and meet in the middle, reaching a consensus that best benefits the most people. That doesn't happen as often as we might hope, but it shows that opposing views make change possible.

Now, I would like to take a moment to talk about my son. He will only be four years old when Donald Trump's term ends, so this election will not mean much to him. But as I think about what my son can learn from Trump, I did come up with some answers.

My son will not be looking to Trump as an example for how to treat women. He will be looking at his father and grandfathers. I can have a man who has said awful things (most of which I won't even read because I know how disturbing they will be) in the White House and have my son grow up to be a gentleman who opens doors for his sisters and proffers his arm to the girls at EFY. I can have a man who seems to have no filter when he speaks in the White House and still have my son learn to say kind words, to think before he speaks, and to be respectful to everyone.

Instead, my son will learn about the democratic process from Trump. He will learn how the electoral college works, explaining how Trump got voted in in the first place. He will learn why the Founding Fathers set up our country as they did, rotating our president out every four years and allowing the people to have a say in who gets in next. He will learn how the executive branch is only one branch of government, and how the legislative and judicial work together with the president to create the most balanced government we can. It's not much, but that is what my son can learn. from President Donald Trump.

As we continue on with our daily lives, seemingly unaffected by the election that took up so much of our time and effort and thoughts this week, we need to remember that there is only one president and there are 320 million of us. If anyone is really going to make a difference, it's not the president. It's each of the 320 million who strives to share goodness, to give hope and service, to be kind and caring regardless of any differences in opinion, and who stands for what they believe so that all of us with opposing ideas can stand together as cooperating and kind Americans.

God loves everyone. God loves Hillary Clinton; God loves Donald Trump. God loves and blesses this nation, and if we do our best to make it a good place full of the love of God, it doesn't matter who is in the White House. No single person can tear down this nation if we are working our best to make it better every day.

We are Daughters of our Heavenly Father

In the past few years, the feminist, transgender, and LGBT movements have spent a lot of time trying to "even the playing field" in regards to sexuality, treatment of different genders, and gender roles. While I am all for loving everyone, for equal pay and opportunities, and for the exercise of our God-given gift of agency, I have found that one of the greatest areas to suffer in these movements is the divine role being a woman. What it means to be a woman is something that is now changing, with many original roles of woman being termed "limiting" or "antiquated". I want to take this time to express my gratitude for my role as a woman, and to share how it has blessed my life. I will be taking this especially from the view of a woman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, showing how much my Heavenly Parents love me and how much worth I have innately as a child of God.

I will begin with the scripture every Christian woman knows by heart: "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies" (Proverbs 31:10). According to dictionary.com, the word "virtuous" means "conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright." The moral and ethical principles we should be living up to are the laws of God: charity, obedience, courage, prayerfulness, and yes, chastity. As we obey God's commandments we become a light to the world. We set an example of living a Christlike life, thus making our worth "far above rubies" because we are affecting the world for good. God doesn't just expect that of us: He knows we can do it. He trusts us to be an influence for good to everyone around us. We are not meant to sit in a house all day, cleaning and cooking and quietly knitting. We may do those things, but we also share the light of Christ as we do them by living virtuously.

This leads me to one of the greatest blessings we have as women: The opportunity to be mothers. Though I'm speaking from the perspective of a soon-to-be mother, this applies to all women, whether you have children or not. Some of my greatest influences, growing up and today, are from aunts, cousins, and friends who are not mothers themselves. God has entrusted the nurturing of his most tender, malleable souls to our care. While fathers and mothers are to work together to care for their children, often mothers are the ones that choose to stay home and care for the children full-time.

I love biology: Sharks and anatomy and the evolution of bacteria are all fascinating to me, and I won't deny that I know quite a bit about those subjects. However, despite the fact that I feel that once I have my degree I will be fully qualified to be a biology teacher, and I like to think I'd be an exceptionally good one, I am choosing to stay home and be a mother, at least until my children are older. This is not because I was brainwashed in Young Women's or because I feel like I'll be judged by my family or peers if I choose not to stay home. I am doing this because I want to. For all I have dreamed for most of my life of being a high school teacher, I have dreamed my entire life of being a mother. I want to write books, to travel the world, to meet Ramin Karimloo and Michael Crawford and Chris Evans; but more than any of those things, I want to have children. I want to be the one to raise them, to help them grow close to the Savior, to teach them about God and about the world around them, to be their mother--stinky diapers and throwing up and tantrums and all. I know that I can be a mother and still see those other dreams become a reality, it may just take more time. I know that as I choose to put my family and God's plans for my family first, He will help me get the most I can out of my life.

Two of the most influential women in my life are my mother and my mother-in-law. My mom has never had to work out of the home; in fact, because of medical conditions in me and my siblings, it has been better that she hasn't, so as to be available to help in emergencies. Now that she is down to just two children at home and they are older, she is just now rediscovering old passions and hobbies. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, has had the opportunity to be an elementary school teacher for nine years. She began because she needed to provide for her family, and yet she loves what she does. She also is beginning a videography business, often using her children as her assistants. She is still actively the mother in her family, even while having a full-time job. Both situations--vastly different from each other--fit what each woman and what each family needed. When I talk to each of them, they are both happy with their lives. That is the key: When we are doing what God needs us to do, we will be happy. 

Another role I am blessed to embrace is that of a wife. Right now I am feeling very "housewife-y", cleaning and cooking and paying bills to fill my time while waiting for the baby to come. However much I hate doing the dishes, I understand they need to be done. I am grateful for the time I have to keep the house a place where the spirit can dwell--and part of that comes, I've learned, from having a clean home. I choose to try and make dinner for Hunter every night, but when I've been especially tired from being pregnant or even just didn't want to make it he never complains. My making dinner for him isn't an expectation: it's a way I can serve my husband. He may not say it, but I can see the relief in his eyes when he doesn't have to scrounge his own dinner from whatever leftovers we have in the fridge. I love my husband, and he does so much for me. My desire to learn how to cook new meals and to have the kitchen be clean come from my desire to help and bless him. 

But that's only part of being a wife, though it's often the part we focus the most on. My main role as a wife is to be a "help meet" for my husband (see Genesis 2:18). To me, that means I am there for him, and he is there for me. We help each other, meeting in the middle. When he has a bad day and needs someone to rub his back while we watch too many episodes of "Scrubs", I'll do that. When he is feeling inadequate, I'll be the one to tell him how much worth he has to me and to God. When he's grumpy and needs space, I'm the one who will make cookies for him because that's just what I do when someone I love is grumpy. When I feel ugly, he is the one who makes me feel beautiful. When my hands and feet are swollen because of pregnancy, he's the one who rubs them and tells me how proud he is of all the work I'm putting into this baby. When I have questions about how important I really am in God's plan, he's the one who tears up as he tells me how very important I am as a daughter of God and as a mother, even though I may not see it yet. He is my help meet, and I am his. I am so blessed to be his wife. “Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him" (Matthew Henry), and I might add, next to him to support him and to be equal to him. 

Now I will address one of the touchier subjects: Women and the priesthood. There is a quote that I feel explains it very well: "In our Heavenly Father’s great priesthood-endowed plan, men have the unique responsibility to administer the priesthood, but they are not the priesthood. Men and women have different but equally valued roles. Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman. In other words, in the eternal perspective, both the procreative power and the priesthood power are shared by husband and wife” (Elder M. Russell Ballard, “This Is My Work and My Glory,” Apr. 2013 general conference). Men and women both work under the priesthood, but in different roles. In the temple, women perform ordinances with authority from the priesthood, even though they are not administering it exactly. There are lots of questions that stem from women and the temple, but it is not my goal to address those today. I wish only to express how I have been blessed by the priesthood in my life, even though I do not hold it. 

Men administer the priesthood, but cannot bless themselves with it. Everyone, man or woman, must seek out a worthy priesthood holder to receive a blessing. Our ability to receive blessings is not limited in the least by our gender. As a woman, I am blessed to receive all the ordinances of the priesthood--baptism, confirmation, endowment, and sealing--by the authority of the priesthood. My life is blessed every day because of those priesthood ordinances I have received. 

In 1838, Missouri's governor issued the "extermination order", which led to all the Mormons in the state being driven out at gun-point. On October 30th of that year, the town of Haun's Mill was attacked by a mob, killing or injuring all the men and older boys in the settlement. Amanda Barnes Smith found her eleven-year-old son, Alma, had his hip blown apart by a gunshot. All the men in the settlement were dead or seriously injured, so there wasn't someone immediately available to give a blessing. God did not give up on Amanda: She prayed with sincere faith over her son and was given the same blessings as if a priesthood holder had been there to give Alma a blessing. She was inspired to know how to make a dressing for his hip and how to have him lay so he would heal. In the end, Alma was able to walk just fine after his injury healed. God does not favor men over women because they hold the priesthood. The priesthood is a means for all God's children to receive His blessings, but when a woman prays in faith it can work just the same because God hears all our prayers, not just the priesthood holders'. 

I have been able to begin reading the Old Testament recently, and I am discovering just how important women are to the work of the Lord. God needed Sarah to be Isaac's mother, not Hagar. Abraham wasn't the only parent who was important when it came to continuing the bloodline of the covenant. Rebekah was chosen to marry Isaac because of her Christlike goodness, shown by her being willing to draw water for the ten thirsty camels who belonged to a stranger. No wonder God inspired Abraham to send his servant so far away to find Isaac's wife: He knew what a strong, righteous woman Rebekah was and knew that no distance was too far to go find her. 

There are so many questions that arise when it comes to women in the church. One thing I know is this: We knew God's plan before we came to earth. We knew all of it, including those parts that we don't know now. If I didn't like the way the plan was going to work out for me as a woman, I don't imagine I would be here on earth now. In the premortal world I chose to follow God's plan of happiness--happiness for men and women. All things will work out for our eternal good, meaning we will have eternal joy. Even if things don't make sense now, we can have faith that they will work out. When we die we keep our personalities. That means if I have questions about polygamy now, they won't just go away when I die; I believe things really will work out in a way that I will not just be content, but I will be joyful. Whether that means I am given greater context and answers, or things work out differently than I imagine them now, it doesn't matter. God knows us: He knows our questions and our concerns and He knows that we long for answers. The thing is that, in this life, we have to walk by faith. As we continue on, even in the face of unanswered questions, how much greater will be our joy when those questions are answered. As we keep the faith, not letting influences of the world make our faith waver, we will have more joy and more answers than we will if we look outside the gospel for answers. 

Satan has women under attack. Being a woman doesn't mean anything anymore: Why bother being a mother when you can abort your baby and keep your life for yourself? Why be a woman when it's so much better to be a man? Why get married when you can be free and not limit yourself to one partner? Even within the church, Satan is getting to the women. We feel we are less important because there are more men than women general authorities, or because the Bishop comes to Young Women's but the Relief Society president never visits Elder's Quorum. Those are Satan's lies, and we must battle his lies with God's truths: That men and women have different roles, but both are equally important. The Relief Society president may not visit Elder's Quorum meetings, but she is indispensable when it comes to helping the Elder's Quorum president understand the needs of the families in the ward. There are more men than women General Authorities, but I dare you to find one of the Apostles who doesn't give all the credit for his good life to his wife. We women are the nurturers of families and wards; we are the support for the priesthood leaders who feel overwhelmed; we are the bakers of cookies, the watchers of children of sick parents, and the layers of sod. "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love Him." It may have become habit to say it, but it's more true than we'll ever understand. As daughters, wives, mothers, leaders, followers, aunts, friends, neighbors, teachers, or anything else we want to become: God loves us and supports us. As we remember how important we are in God's plan--as mothers, as church leaders, and as whatever else He needs us to be--we can reject Satan's attempts to make us feel like we are being stifled or ignored. We may not understand everything now, but that's why we walk by faith. Besides, I like to imagine both of our Heavenly Parents are cheering us on, because they are perfect and perfectly happy, and they know that as we have faith and follow Them, we can be someday, too.

Have Courage

I am afraid on a fairly regular basis. I'm afraid because I haven't felt the baby move in three hours; I'm afraid because a charge on our card hasn't processed yet; I'm afraid because it is raining so hard I can't see the road. The worst kind of fear, however, is fear of ridicule. I fear loss of respect; that something I say or do will make my friends love or respect me less. I fear that they will get angry and my relationship with them will be irreparable.

At my current stage of life, most of my interactions with friends is via social media. I love seeing updates on their lives: Pictures of vacations, wedding and pregnancy announcements, and updates on educational and vocational milestones. However, there is also a, I'll call it a sort of veil, across social media. When we post online, there is a veil of "unrealness". Because we are posting this while sitting in bed with our pants off while eating a bowl of ice cream (don't judge me, that's my favorite way to Facebook), it makes us and those on the other side of the internet seem farther away. It doesn't matter how close we feel in person to those who are our social media friends, when we are posting there is a veil that separates us and them and our feelings of closeness are muted. This means that we are much more likely to post something than we are to say it. 

That is why I have thought about this blog post long and hard. I've decided to write this with the mindset as if I was speaking to each reader individually, whether it's someone I know in "real life" or not. As you read this post, please imagine us sitting in a living room, wrapped up in the afghans that are supposed to be decorative but are really very cozy and eating popcorn with no regard for the kernels dropping on the floor because that's what vacuums are for and we're too busy talking to care. Or imagine us out in an ice cream shop, eating milkshakes that are way too big for our stomachs but it's a challenge we're willing to accept as we talk. This is how I would rather be expressing my thoughts to you, if it were possible. Another problem with the "social media veil" is it also makes it easier to argue, sometimes unkindly. I ask, as always, that you comment with your thoughts at the end of this post. I also ask that you imagine our living room or ice cream setting as you write the comment, thus making it as truthful and as true to your person as possible. 

My fear of rejection from those I love, accompanied by the false sense of anonymity that accompanies the social media veil, is why Facebook is such a frightening place for me. However, I know that I have a responsibility to use social media to spread light and truth, even if truth is sometimes blunt or difficult to swallow. This means I must have courage while on social media: Not the courage to argue or be unkind, but the courage to boldly declare my beliefs and to stand for what I know is right. I understand that I am not the epitome of knowledge, and that much of what I believe is opinion, but I always try to base my beliefs in doctrine, and to clarify when I am expressing something that is less than fact. 

The world today is a constant argument. Nothing can be posted on any online forum without receiving praise, complaints, articles containing opposing views, and comments upon comments of everyone's "two bits". And everyone does have a right to have their voice heard, and social media makes that available to more people than anyone else in history. However, the continual bickering and hash-and-rehashing makes posting my beliefs, which are continually falling among the less-popular views in the world today, a frightening idea. 

President Thomas S. Monson, in the Priesthood session of the April 2014 General Conference of the LDS church, said the following: "Courage comes in many forms. Wrote the Christian author Charles Swindoll: “Courage is not limited to the battlefield … or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are inner tests, like remaining faithful when no one’s looking, … like standing alone when you’re misunderstood.” I would add that this inner courage also includes doing the right thing even though we may be afraid, defending our beliefs at the risk of being ridiculed, and maintaining those beliefs even when threatened with a loss of friends or of social status. He who stands steadfastly for that which is right must risk becoming at times disapproved and unpopular."

If you are reading this post, know that I love you. Really, truly, I do. Part of why all the contention online today makes me so sad is because I understand that God loves all of us, and that we are supposed to love each other. True, things will happen that make us angry, and that's OK, but that's no reason to show hatred toward others. Love is compassion, listening, understanding without having to agree, and respecting others viewpoints. That is my goal, and I hope that you will give me the same love in return. My goal is never to be unkind, but I need to learn to be more direct. 

In the same talk quoted earlier, President Monson also said, "We will all face fear, experience ridicule, and meet opposition. Let us—all of us—have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval. Courage becomes a living and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully but also as the determination to live decently." In the world today, I believe living decently includes spreading principles throughout social media, sharing ideas that, hopefully, will bring those who see them closer to Christ.

" For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek" (Romans 1:16, KJV). The gospel of Jesus Christ, with its doctrines on family, gender, eternal life, and the restoration, is not a very popular subject. The modern practices and ideas that go against these doctrines are everywhere and very, very popular. Whether you are a Mormon, an atheist, married with three kids, or living a gay lifestyle, I'm not here to judge you. It is not my job to tell you what to believe or do. However, it is my job to share what I believe is right. If you agree with me or not is irreleveant: I still love you and I still respect you. I pray that you will still love and respect me after you read the things I post, agreeable to you or not. My fear of losing your love and respect is no longer going to deter me from sharing what I believe or what I know to be right on social media. 

I guess that's what this blog post is: It's me gathering my courage to "stand as [a witness] of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that [I] may be in," even on social media. 

Love One Another

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." --John 13:34, KJV.

The entire world has become a battle. No one is exempt, everyone must take a side. If you don't actively take a stance you are assigned to one, or assumed to support one or the other. Any stance you do take immediately assigns you to five other labels related.

 Allow me to give a few hypothetical examples:

Gertrude stays politically neutral on social media, but frequently posts pictures of her six-month baby. She expresses her gratitude for her child and is one of those over-happy Instagram mommies. Gertrude's friend, Penelope, assumes that Gertrude doesn't care about women's rights because she is obviously pro-life, or anti-choice. She is so happy about her baby she can't possibly support abortion.

Charlie's friend Fred came out as gay on social media. He "liked" the post, and immediately was attacked by a conservative friend. He was asked if he was also gay, and if he had evaluated his morals lately.

Bob is white. Bob posts a #bluelivesmatter on his Facebook to support the policemen in his area. Immediately he is attacked, called a racist and a hater. Because he supports police, he cannot support black people. He must be a white supremacist or a secret KKK supporter.

These may seem extreme, but it's a real thing happening today. The media has made everything divided, a definite line in the middle of every single debate, and that has made it so all of us assign labels to different opinions, whether we mean to or not.

One of the biggest enhancers of these divisions comes in the form of political correctness. Dallin H. Oaks in his talk "No Other Gods" from October 2013's General Conference, calls political correctness a modern form of "idol worship", or putting something before God. Not that we should be rude or insulting to those around us--Jesus commanded us to "love one another" without any stipulations. However, denying the existence of sin in an effort to make everybody happy is putting our comfort before God and His commandments.

Please enjoy this comedic sketch about the perils of political correctness. (It is a joke, I promise.)

I know this sketch is humorous and, again, an example taken to the utmost extreme, but it serves a point: When does the un-defining of terms stop? Anymore, "man" and "woman" are very ambiguous terms. And yet, that does not stop the battle. Instead of a battle between men and women it has become a battle between supporting transgenderism and maintaining the integrity of birth gender.

The most puzzling thing to me is that while "man" and "woman" are quickly becoming meaningless words, "black" and "white" are becoming increasingly emphasized. While gender doesn't matter, black lives do, but not "all lives matter", because that's offensive. Black lives do matter, but is it wrong for me to say my son's life doesn't because he will be white? (If you've met me and my husband, we'll be lucky if he tans at all and doesn't glow in the dark, we both come from such good Irish stock.) It's not his fault both his parents are paler than pale, and yet if I say his white life matters I'm a bigot, a racist, putting down the lives of black people.

Let me make something clear: I have opinions. I do. I love and respect policemen, though that does not mean I want them killing black people. I don't want anyone killing any people. I support marriage between a man and a woman, and I have my issues with open-gender bathrooms. However, that doesn't mean I think transgender people are bad people, or that people in homosexual relationships are evil. I just know what I believe is true and how I want my son's world to be.

I believe that God has decreed certain things and that going against those commandments is a sin. However, no one is perfect. I cannot condemn the transgender community because God loves them just as much as He loves me, and I have just as many sins to overcome as they do. We all do, they are just different sins. Our repentance and obedience is between us and God. I will do what I believe is right--and that includes loving everyone.

God is the judge. We are not. We are entitled to our beliefs, morals, and opinions, but not to shame or judge others for theirs. Someone who supports Trump is not entitled to call a Clinton supporter an idiot, and vice versa. There are lines in the sand on every conceivable issue, but that doesn't mean everyone on the other side of the line is evil or stupid or bigoted or even ignorant. Showing love toward everyone doesn't mean folding over and not standing up for what we believe, but it also doesn't mean shouting down everyone else's opinions.

When we remember that we are all brothers and sisters, children of a loving and perfect Heavenly Father who sees us all as children, struggling to learn and obey and grow, maybe then we will be more loving, more charitable, and more forgiving. That is what the world needs more of today: charity and forgiveness. Let's start that today, and maybe the defining lines in the world's battles will become a little less important than loving others.

Nephites and Lamanites

In the earliest chapters of the Book of Mormon, Laman and Lemuel are shown to ignore the commandments of God and hate their brother Nephi. This eventually causes the separation of the Nephites and the Lamanites. 

In 2 Nephi 5:20-24, when the Nephites and Lamanites first separate, it is explained that the Lord put a curse on the Lamanites:

"Wherefore, the word of the Lord was fulfilled which he spake unto me, saying that: Inasmuch as they will not hearken unto thy words they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord. And behold, they were cut off from his presence.

"And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.

"And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.

 "And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done.

 "And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey."

This doesn't seem fair for the Lamanites, does it? They were cursed because of the sins of their fathers. Aren't we taught that God punishes us for our own sins, and not those of our ancestors? Article of Faith #2 says, "We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression." Shouldn't this apply to the Lamanites as well?

I propose that there is a difference between consequences for our parents choices and consequences for our own choices. The Lamanites for generations after Laman and Lemuel, the original dissenters, died were cursed with dark skin and lived with no knowledge of God. However, I do not believe that in the eternal scheme of things they will be judged by those same things that caused them to be cursed. 

Just before he died, Lehi taught and blessed each of his sons, including Laman and Lemuel. The following is from 2 Nephi 4: 3-7,9.

 "...he called the children of Laman, his sons, and his daughters, and said unto them: Behold, my sons, and my daughters, who are the sons and the daughters of my firstborn, I would that ye should give ear unto my words.

 "For the Lord God hath said that: Inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land; and inasmuch as ye will not keep my commandments ye shall be cut off from my presence.

 "But behold, my sons and my daughters, I cannot go down to my grave save I should leave a blessing upon you; for behold, I know that if ye are brought up in the way ye should go ye will not depart from it.

"Wherefore, if ye are cursed, behold, I leave my blessing upon you, that the cursing may be taken from you and be answered upon the heads of your parents.

"Wherefore, because of my blessing the Lord God will not suffer that ye shall perish; wherefore, he will be merciful unto you and unto your seed forever.

" ...wherefore, thou shalt not utterly be destroyed; but in the end thy seed shall be blessed."

The children of Laman and Lemuel lived with the consequences of the teachings of their fathers. They did not know God, and they were constantly at war with the Nephites. However, this was temporal. Those sins that they committed because of their upbringing were answered upon the heads of Laman, Lemuel, and their wives. Just because a Lamanite was born, lived, and died with no chance to hear the word of God and repent does not mean they will go to hell. 

God loves all His children, Nephite and Lamanite, and does not cast out souls on a whim. While we may live with the consequences of our parents's decisions, we will be judged by our own decisions in the circumstances we were in. 

This still applies to us today. A child can be labeled a never-do-well because of their parentage or the area where they live. This deeply influences how they perform. God knows their circumstances and what they are capable of. He does not see them as a never-do-well. If they choose to truly be a never-do-well and cheat, lie, or steal, that's different. They chose that path, and that is a consequence for their own actions, not for their upbringing. 

So often in our society we see this struggle today. Are kids in the ghetto are more likely to get shot or to shoot someone because they're bad or because of their environment? Are white people innately racist, or are they being punished because of what members of my race did a hundred years ago? Are we punishing the children of same-sex couples by not letting them get baptized until they are 18, or is it to help them live what they covenanted without turning against their parents? 

God is the perfect judge, because he knows everything: Our hearts, our minds, our desires, our upbringing, our fears, our struggles, and our triumphs. I cannot judge a single Lamanite in the Book of Mormon, but God can. He can judge every single one. Everyone, Nephites and Lamanites, Jew and Gentile, believer and atheist, will stand before God and know that He knows them. We don't have to worry about God being biased or racist or misunderstanding. Our decisions are our decisions, and He knows every one. He loves us. That is why we should love each other and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Not all white people are racist. Not all atheists hate Christians. Not all ghetto kids flunk high school. Not all Nephites were righteous. Not all Lamanites were wicked. If we do our best to become the most Christ-like we can, that will get us to heaven. That is how we show God we want to live with Him again. The other things don't really matter.

Let Freedom Ring

"Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two makes four. If that is granted, all else follows." 
--George Orwell, 1984.

Why would anyone deny that 2+2=4? If you have two donuts and you buy two more you obviously have four. Or if you have two children and then have twins you then have four children. Even more than that, if you are two years old and live for two more years you are then four years old. With all these examples, why would anyone argue? Isn't this a basic math equation, an absolute in the world of mathematics?

If there was someone who believed that 2+2=5, what would you do? Would you tell them that that is not correct and kindly help them find the right answer to the equation? What if they told you that they believe that five really is the answer and that you are wrong for saying four is the only correct answer?

We live in a world where absolutes are hidden, questioned, and attacked. Telling anyone they can't do something because that's "not the way it is" is an affront to everyone's right to everything, and therefore you are a bigot for saying so. News sources love to jump on anything anyone says that is politically incorrect or a freudian slip because that is what makes the news today: Whose rights are being infringed upon today?

Not that I'm saying there's anything bad about making sure people have rights. Each and every person on this earth is a child of God, and therefore have the rights. According to the founding fathers, we all have the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" (The Declaration of Independence). The Book of Mormon tells us that "[men] are free to choose" (2 Nephi  2:27). Everyone on this earth has the right to live and to make their own choices. But what happens when our freedom begins to infringe upon the freedom of others?

The past few years there have been huge movements in the LGBT community. Gay marriage has been legalized, bathrooms declared ungendered, and the first LGBT national monument created. This has been thrilling to those in the LGBT community and its supporters. However, not all the changes have been good.

There are multiple accounts of bakers who feel baking a cake for a gay or lesbian wedding goes against their religion are fined large amounts of money for refusing their services (one example showed $135,000). Instead of LGBT rights being denied, religious rights are considered unimportant by the courts. So whose rights should have been upheld?

My answer: Both! I don't agree with gay marriage, but that doesn't mean anyone should be cruel to those who live that lifestyle. However, most stores have a policy that allows them to refuse service to anyone, and that doesn't just mean they disagree with the marriage they are being asked to make a cake for. The couple could have found a different bakery, taking their business and money elsewhere. The baker did not need to be fined exorbitant amounts of money for wanting to stick to their religious beliefs. I have no doubt LGBT-only bakeries will be opened soon, and that they will not be considered bigoted for only serving those couples. However, a Christian baker who will only serve traditional marriages isn't just labeled a bigot, but their name is completely ruined after having been sent to court and fined. (http://www.cbsnews.com/news/court-ruling-colorado-baker-refused-gay-wedding-cake/)

The goal with this post isn't to argue over the right and wrong of this rather outdated example, but to show how focusing on the freedoms of one specific people takes away the freedoms of the others. Honestly, I'm afraid I will lose friendships with this new blog, but I cannot be silent any more. Everyone deserves to be loved, yes, but "everyone" means blacks, Muslims, gays, and women only anymore. I feel badly for my husband: He is a white, straight, Christian, politically conservative man who has no hope of ever being listened to because his entire existence labels him a bigot, a homophobe, and a white supremacist. He deserves to be loved and respected just as much as any of the LGBT's who are gathering for a rally.

I'm not denying the existence of right and wrong. In my mind "2+2=4" is just as basic as the fact that a family is made of a man and a woman. But that's not the point of this post. The point is that at the rate we're going, 2+2=4 could go the same way as man+woman=family: It could become outdated, discriminatory, even dangerous.

If "freedom is the freedom to say two plus two makes four" without fear, then it is also the freedom for me to say on social media, "God lives, He has decreed right and wrong, and He has a plan for all of us" without fear. That's what this is: This is the beginning of my freedom without fear, because I know that there is a right and wrong, and that God loves every single one of us, no matter how much wrong we choose, and we all choose it. The point is that, along with our freedom to choose wrong, we are also free to choose to return to God. That is the most wonderful freedom of all.